From the USA to South Korea + Vietnam + all the way back: Peter

Grieving, blowing up your life, looking in vain for lamps, and finding love in a person and a place on the other side of the globe.

In 2012, while Peter’s husband, Martin, was in the hospital, they talked about the possibility of moving and living overseas. Peter, a high school principal, signed up for an educators job board website with international postings, just to see what might be out there. They never got to realize this dream together. But after Martin passed, Peter started getting job offers.

In 2013, he moved from Bath, Maine (in the USA) to Seoul, South Korea where he lived for 3 years. In 2016, he moved to Vietnam to try and realize his dream of owning a gay bed and breakfast in a little tourist town called Hoi An. He met (and married) a man he almost didn’t meet on Christmas vacation. And they now split their time between the US and Saigon.

How did all of this go down? And when Peter thinks of “home,” where is that located?

Let’s find out.

---

What was your life like before you made the move to Southeast Asia?

I'm a native New Yorker, but moved to a little town called Bath, Maine in 2003 with my first husband. We’d left the DC area after Martin retired and moved up to Maine because my parents were already living there and my brother lived there. So we've always had a family connection with the state.

I was a high school principal. Right in the same town that I was living in. I literally walked across the street from my house to my school.

Martin and I first met in the 90’s and ever since I’d known him, he had hepatitis C, which is a fatal disease. At that time they didn't have a cure for hepatitis C. He needed a liver transplant in 2005 and I actually donated 2/3 of my liver to him—we were a perfect match. And that transplant was very successful. It gave him 5 more years of a healthy life. But unfortunately, it didn't cure the hepatitis. About 6 years later, he had to have a second transplant. Which he did. But the odds of surviving a second transplant are only 50% or less. And unfortunately, after a 6 month battle, he lost his life in 2012.

And that's sort of what precipitated the move to go overseas.

Why a move overseas after something like that? Why a giant life-changing move to the other side of the world after a such a giant life-changing event?

It was kind of fate in some ways. When Martin was in the hospital, we were talking about life events and we had been together 20 years and he said the only regret he had in life was that he didn't get a chance to live overseas.

Both of us were world travelers. We especially loved going to France and Europe. Martin was a Francophile and spoke pretty fluent French. We took probably 5 or 6 trips to France.

And so in the hospital, I said to him, “You know Martin, that dream could happen.” At that point we thought that he was going to recover. And I said, “ I'm in education. There are international schools all around the world. I can work anywhere. You're retired. And your retirement is quite good. So let me join one of these search engines for education, like Search Associates or International Schools Services. Let's just explore.”

I paid the little fee that goes along with these sites. And lo and behold, after he passed, I started getting job offers.

I was living in this giant, five bedroom house in Maine and I came to the realization after Martin passed that it was our dream to live there together. It was not my dream to live there alone as a 48 year old man.

It's like the fates were aligned. I applied for jobs on this site and I don't want to be here any longer. Then I just started doing the job interviews and gave my one year notice at my school.

How did you end up in Seoul?

I was in my cabin one day. My phone blinged and it was a man from Seoul International School in Korea. He said, “Look, I'd like to interview you for a possible position.” We got on Zoom and he said, “ I'm very interested. I'd like to fly you out for the weekend to visit the school.” I didn't have to take time off, because it was Thanksgiving break. I flew to Seoul, spent 3 days there, and then flew back.

I knew before I left that I had the job–they're not gonna fly me over there and pay for all of that without giving me the job. And I knew I was going to accept it because I’d already given my notice and I needed a job.

I was offered the job in November. And then I had to be there by July of the following year.

Did you think when you moved, that this was a forever move?

No, not at that time. I didn't. It was a 3 year contract. So I knew I'd be gone for 3 years. At that time I never thought that I wouldn’t come back to the US. Because I hadn't experienced what it was like to be an expat at that point in my life.

Were you worried about leaving your home, leaving your family and friends, leaving your life in the US?

I didn't think about it. I had so much other stuff to think about in terms of getting ready for the move that I just didn't have time. And plus I was still heavily grieving. So it didn't really impact me until I got there.

I still remember my very first night arriving in Seoul. It was a long flight. And fortunately, another couple from Maine was hired at the same time that I was. I didn't know them, but we met prior and flew over together. We got there at night. We were exhausted. But we were also hungry so we got a quick bite to eat. And then I got to the apartment and it was sparsely furnished and my 4 suitcases were sitting in the middle of the room.

And I remember standing in the middle of that apartment. It was at that point 2:00 in the morning. And I literally said out loud, “What the f@*$ have I done?” It was probably the most scared I was the entire time I did the process. I thought I had made the world's biggest mistake.

It was like I just completely blew up my life. I gave off all of my comforts. I gave up a house that I loved. I gave up all my friends. It was just terrifying.

And you're in a country where you don't speak the language. It would have been much, much, much, much, much harder, if I didn't have those 2 friends from Maine. Because we were able to navigate the first few weeks together. I had a little bit of a support group. I think I would have survived just as well if it was by myself, but it would have been more difficult.

So if you thought language was gonna be the big hard thing and it wasn't, is there something that you thought was gonna be easy that actually turned out to be much more difficult than you expected it to be?

Shopping. We're so used to going to a supermarket or Costco or Target and you can buy whatever you want there. Everything is in this beautiful, well lit, well organized store. In Asia, if you want to buy meat, you have to go to this one section of town. If you want to buy dairy, you gotta go here. And so this marketplace shopping mentality really took me by surprise.

Remember my empty apartment? I wanted a coffee table. They don't have coffee tables in Korea. They're also big fans of overhead lights. There are no lamps. And not only am I a gay man, but I cannot stand overhead lighting. So I needed lamps. I had to find the lamp section of Seoul because lamps are only sold in that one section of the city. And they were hideous things. Either they were way too small or they were floor lamps. Because they don't have end tables either.

Furnishing the apartment was the big challenge. That was the big surprise.

How did you know it was time to leave Seoul?

Every Sunday morning I would drive into the western side of Korea. Korean food is delicious. I love it. But eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Sometimes you just crave a burger. And so every Sunday morning I would go to a really great coffee shop that had baguettes and croissants. And I would get a Western-style lunch. I remember this clearly. I was in the car. It was a beautiful day in Seoul. And I said out loud, “This is my last year in education.” I wasn't even thinking that, Vivian. It shocked me! It just came out and I verbalized it.

I’ve always said—when I worked with beginning teachers and when I worked with people in education—If you're not passionate about the job anymore, then it's time to leave. Because it's not fair to the kids. You're there to serve the students. And if you're not at your 100 percent capacity, you're not serving them at 100 percent capacity. So that was going on. At the same time, I was also getting a little frustrated with living in Korea. I loved the first 2 years. By the third year, some of the things about Korea that I did not like were really beginning to get worse.

You wouldn't notice it as a tourist and I didn't notice it for the first year or so, but there's sort of a palpable sadness to the Korean culture. I began to notice the unhappiness. And it began to feel palpable. And I didn't want to become resentful because I like Koreans and I liked Korea. But I didn't want to get to the point where I didn't like it. So I knew it was time to leave.

Were you thinking you were gonna come back to the US?

No. Once I became an expat and discovered the expat life, going back to the US was never an option.

So if you're not gonna go back to the US, how do you figure out where to go next?

During the 3 years that I was in Seoul, I traveled a bit. The first time I went to Bangkok was life changing. I love Bangkok. So Bangkok was top of my list. But then I decided I didn't want to live in Bangkok because I didn't want to end up hating it. Bangkok was my floozy fun city and I just didn't want to end up hating it.

Then I went to Cambodia. And I was seriously thinking about moving to Cambodia.

And then during my final Christmas vacation in 2015, I went to Vietnam. I hadn’t been to Vietnam the entire time I was living in Seoul and I traveled with my nephew and his then-fiance and a really good friend from school. We did the typical Vietnam, top to bottom. Started in Hanoi, made our way to Hoi An, and finished in Saigon. And then all my travel companions left. I still had about 5 days left in my vacation and I didn't want to go back to Seoul, so I went to an island off the coast of Vietnam, called Phu Quoc.

I went by myself and I booked a villa way at the top of the island. And of course, as soon as you land as a gay man, you open your social apps, your grinder, and after I’d been on the island for a day, I had a text from a guy, and he said, “Would you like to meet?” So I said, “Yeah.” We ended up meeting and spending the day together and at the beach with his friends and the spark was lit. The next day Huy flew back to Saigon. I had one day in Saigon before I flew back and he met me that day. And then we stayed in contact on Whatsapp.

And in the course of those Whatsapp conversations I said, “Look, I want to open a business in Southeast Asia. I want to open a gay bed and breakfast.” That was always my dream. And I had absolutely fallen in love with Hoi An during my trip to Vietnam. And I said to Huy, “ What would you think about relocating to Hoi An with me?” And coincidentally, one of Huy’s girlfriends had just opened up a restaurant in Hoi An and she had asked him if he wanted to work for her. So, he went to Hoi An and began to search for properties for me while I was finishing out my contract in Seoul.

What’s your biggest piece of advice for anyone moving abroad?

Good news! If you want to connect with Peter, you follow him on social media at:

Instagram: @petekahl

Threads: petekahl

Facebook: @SaigonPgk

BlueSky: @saigonpgk.bsky.social

Twitter: @kahl_pete

TikTok: @saigonpgk

SnapChat: peterk04043

And check out his blog: West Meets East.

---

If you found this valuable, consider RESTACKING this post so more people can see it.

---

WHAT ELSE DID WE TALK ABOUT?

This was only the beginning of our conversation. I know you’re shooting daggers at me right now that I didn’t fill you in what happened in Vietnam with the bed and breakfast. And with Huy.

Everyone hates a cliff hanger. And everyone loves a cliff hanger. So, here’s the cliff notes on what happens next.

From South Korea, Peter moved to Vietnam where he learned how to adapt, how to be flexible, and how to accept all the things that came and went in his life. After a couple of years in Vietnam, he and his husband moved back to the US and now they split their time between Maine and Saigon.

Paid subscribers get to hear the entire conversation, including:

• The reason Peter’s family thought he was truly insane.

• What happened to his dream of starting a business in Hoi An. And what he ended up doing to make money when that business became un-doable.

• What made him burst into tears at the bank.

• Why his fear of not being able to understand the language is also his greatest comfort and one of the things he loves most about being an expat.

• Why he ended up leaving Vietnam and his life in a town that had captured his soul after only a couple of years.

• What the repatriation process looked and felt like when he returned to the US.

• And where he thinks of when he thinks of “home.”

• Plus, a lot more detail on his life in Seoul and in Vietnam, what he missed about the US and was super happy to have access to when he returned, and a bit of wisdom on cross-cultural romantic relationships.

Paid subscribers can access the entire conversation 👇🏼 by clicking play on the video below.

Or listen to the podcast on Substack or on Spotify

If you want to listen on Spotify, you’ll need to do this first: ❶ go into your Substack profile (click on your picture up on the top right of the screen), ❷ click “Manage Subscriptions,” ❸ click the “Set Up Podcast” button, ❹ then click the “Listen on Spotify” button and ❺ link your profile as a paid subscriber to the podcast on Spotify. You should only have to do this once.