I hear you in this Vivian and just wrote a post where I wrote about losing the plot so much I had to laugh, it really makes no sense to me anymore and I am trying to embrace that. Like you not sure where I am living, not sure what I do for income, everything feels so uncertain and so unclear. In the meantime I am doing my best to embrace the unknown because I feel that is the only place I still get to chose!
When people ask me why being an expat sometimes feels difficult and I can’t quite put it into words - THIS is how it feels. The uncertainty feels all consuming at times.
I love that you say "at times." Because it's truly not all the time. Most of the time things seem to just hum along like normal, right? Like no big deal.
For some reason, the reality of what I've done really hit me hard this year. I remember sitting on my sofa in New York before I made this last move, telling myself that if I did this, there was no easy way to go back. Mostly because of my age and the fact that slotting right back into the trajectory of a career would be impossible. So it's not like I wasn't acutely aware that I was closing doors in order to open others.
10 years later, I was on LinkedIn one morning and it was like everyone I had ever worked with in my professional life was posting about these amazing roles they were now in and I was like, Huh. That is not where I’m at in my life. And then my friends were all talking about their annual getaway with their new friends that I didn’t even really know and I was like, Huh. That is not where my life went. And I don’t think I took a wrong turn anywhere. I for sure don’t think that. But there are choices we make to live a life we want and it means that other doors close behind us.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m “living the dream” and all that. And I’m not sure why this year has made me think about the doors I walked through to live this dream alongside the doors I will probably never walk through again. But, here we are. And honestly, some of those doors I really don’t want to ever walk through again. But some of them … are nice doors.
That sounds very stressful and uncertain. Hope you are able to figure out what the next step in your journey is, I'm sure it will reveal itself to you !
Thanks Sophie. I don't feel stressed as much as I probably should. I imagine that's because I have nobody relying on me to know what I'm doing but myself and I'm pretty good at making things work when it all goes south so I don't do too much premature worrying about whether its going to go south or not. But in the back of mind I do wonder. And the wondering is maybe what's got me feeling restless? Plus, there's the "should I be preparing for war" wondering going on in the middle of my mind. And the "should I make lasagna this week" wondering going on in the front of my mind. There's a lot going on. (haha) (sigh)
I think lasagna is always a good solution for any problem so that might be a good place to start. 😉 There's also something really cool about not knowing and wondering, it's sort of exciting to find out what your next step will be. I'm sure it'll be wonderful!
You talked me into the lasagna. And I think you're right about there being something a little bit thrilling about this idea that when nothing is certain, anything can happen. Including something really awesome.
You really capture the uncertainty of living here. My temporary is up at the end of September 2026 and I'm hoping I won't be thrown into limbo, but the odds are not in my favor. But the Christmas pageant? Priceless.
This was hilarious! I loved it, Vivian. And I totally get it too. It's a completely different thing to leave of your own volition, it's another to be told you can't stay somewhere. I'm wishing you luck with it, we are all rooting for you. And if Portugal won't have you, I'm sure there's another lucky country on the horizon that will happily take you in!
Consider me a friend who also is tired of all the uncertainty!!
Baby Santa Jesus is forever in our hearts.
To the Baby Santa Jesus. The King of Uncertainty. Long may he reig....wait, no. No no no no no.
😂😂😂😂
Me too! 🙋♀️
I hear you in this Vivian and just wrote a post where I wrote about losing the plot so much I had to laugh, it really makes no sense to me anymore and I am trying to embrace that. Like you not sure where I am living, not sure what I do for income, everything feels so uncertain and so unclear. In the meantime I am doing my best to embrace the unknown because I feel that is the only place I still get to chose!
Oh I have to go read your post!
When people ask me why being an expat sometimes feels difficult and I can’t quite put it into words - THIS is how it feels. The uncertainty feels all consuming at times.
I love that you say "at times." Because it's truly not all the time. Most of the time things seem to just hum along like normal, right? Like no big deal.
For some reason, the reality of what I've done really hit me hard this year. I remember sitting on my sofa in New York before I made this last move, telling myself that if I did this, there was no easy way to go back. Mostly because of my age and the fact that slotting right back into the trajectory of a career would be impossible. So it's not like I wasn't acutely aware that I was closing doors in order to open others.
10 years later, I was on LinkedIn one morning and it was like everyone I had ever worked with in my professional life was posting about these amazing roles they were now in and I was like, Huh. That is not where I’m at in my life. And then my friends were all talking about their annual getaway with their new friends that I didn’t even really know and I was like, Huh. That is not where my life went. And I don’t think I took a wrong turn anywhere. I for sure don’t think that. But there are choices we make to live a life we want and it means that other doors close behind us.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m “living the dream” and all that. And I’m not sure why this year has made me think about the doors I walked through to live this dream alongside the doors I will probably never walk through again. But, here we are. And honestly, some of those doors I really don’t want to ever walk through again. But some of them … are nice doors.
I suppose this is the life of a showgirl.
That sounds very stressful and uncertain. Hope you are able to figure out what the next step in your journey is, I'm sure it will reveal itself to you !
Thanks Sophie. I don't feel stressed as much as I probably should. I imagine that's because I have nobody relying on me to know what I'm doing but myself and I'm pretty good at making things work when it all goes south so I don't do too much premature worrying about whether its going to go south or not. But in the back of mind I do wonder. And the wondering is maybe what's got me feeling restless? Plus, there's the "should I be preparing for war" wondering going on in the middle of my mind. And the "should I make lasagna this week" wondering going on in the front of my mind. There's a lot going on. (haha) (sigh)
I think lasagna is always a good solution for any problem so that might be a good place to start. 😉 There's also something really cool about not knowing and wondering, it's sort of exciting to find out what your next step will be. I'm sure it'll be wonderful!
You talked me into the lasagna. And I think you're right about there being something a little bit thrilling about this idea that when nothing is certain, anything can happen. Including something really awesome.
You really capture the uncertainty of living here. My temporary is up at the end of September 2026 and I'm hoping I won't be thrown into limbo, but the odds are not in my favor. But the Christmas pageant? Priceless.
I think we all keep thinking that surely things will be running smoothly by September of next year, right? Oof.
LMAO! EXACTLY! :-)
This was hilarious! I loved it, Vivian. And I totally get it too. It's a completely different thing to leave of your own volition, it's another to be told you can't stay somewhere. I'm wishing you luck with it, we are all rooting for you. And if Portugal won't have you, I'm sure there's another lucky country on the horizon that will happily take you in!
Vivian, I left my hometown more than 40 years ago, and I'm still searching for a place to call "home".